Fwd: natural highs

 

Natural Highs

Please make sure you forward this back to me . You'll see why at the end. Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one. It Does Make You Feel Good, especially the thought at the end of #44.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter..
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29. Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams.
31. Hot chocolate.
32. Road trips with friends.
33. Swinging on swings.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
37. Holding hands with someone you care about.
38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply..
44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth .

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FW: Older lady Speeding

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.

I just did!

Horoscope

 

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Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew.  Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.
Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward this with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real deal; try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is you're having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.
Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign, you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......
CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise.  Practical
And rigid.  Ambitious.  Tends to be good-looking.  Humorous and funny.  Can be a bit shy and reserved.  Often pessimistic.  Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times.  Hold grudges.  Like competition. Get what they want.  20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
  AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest.  Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent.  Friendly and loyal.  Can seem unemotional.  Can be a bit rebellious.  Very stubborn, but original and unique.  Attractive on the inside and out.  Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
  PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful.
Very creative and imaginative.  May become secretive and vague.  Sensitive. Don't like details.  Dreamy and unrealistic.  Sympathetic and  loving.  Kind. Unselfish.  Good kisser.  Beautiful.  8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
  ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19) Energetic.  Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic.  Fun.  Loves a challenge.  EXTREMELY impatient.  Sometimes selfish.  Short fuse.  (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp witted.  Outgoing.  Loses interest quickly - easily bored.  Egotistical.  Courageous and assertive.  Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive.
Can come off as boring, but they are not.  Hard workers.  Warm-hearted.
Strong, has endurance.  Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways.  Not looking for shortcuts.  Take pride in their beauty.  Patient and reliable.  Make great friends and give good advice.  Loving and kind.  Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally.  Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums.  Determined. Indulge themselves  often.  Very generous. 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty.  Outgoing, very chatty.  Lively, energetic.  Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken.  Like change.  Versatile.  Busy, sometimes nervous and tense.  Gossips.  May seem superficial or inconsistent.  Beautiful physically and mentally.  5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22) Moody, emotional.  May be shy. Very loving and caring.  Pretty/handsome.  Excellent partners for life.  Protective.  Inventive and imaginative.  Cautious.  Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others.  Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22) Very organized.  Need order in their lives - like being in control.  Like boundaries.  Tend to take over everything.  Bossy. Like to help others.  Social and outgoing.  Extroverted.  Generous, warm-hearted.  Sensitive.  Creative energy.  Full of themselves.  Loving.  Doing the
Right thing is important to Leos.  Attractive.  13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Dominant In relationships. Conservative.  Always wants the last word.  Argumentative.  Worries.  Very smart.  Dislikes noise and chaos.  Eager.  Hardworking.  Loyal.  Beautiful. Easy to talk to.  Hard to please.  Harsh.  Practical and very fussy.  Often shy. Pessimistic.  7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet.  Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal.  Creative, energetic, and very social.  Hates to be alone.  Peaceful, generous.  Very loving and beautiful.  Flirtatious.  Give in too easily.  Procrastinators.  Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Very energetic.  Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive.  Hardworking.  Great kisser.  Can become obsessive or secretive.  Holds grudges.  Attractive.  Determined. Loves being in long relationships.  Talkative.  Romantic.  Can be self-centered at times.  Passionate and emotional.  4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Good-natured optimist.  Peter Pan syndrome (doesn't want to grow up).  Boastful.  Likes luxuries and gambling.  Social and outgoing.  Doesn't  like responsibilities. Often fantasizes.  Impatient.  Fun to be around.  Having lots of friends.  Flirtatious.  Doesn't like rules.  Sometimes hypocritical.  Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes.  Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14  years of bad luck if you do not forward.
Send away!!~ Ready .. set............ GO!
1-3 people= 1 minute of luck
4-7 people= 1 hour of luck
8-12 people = 1 day of luckjo
13-17 people = 1 week of luck
18-22 people = 1 month of luck
23-27 people = 3 Months of luck
28-32 people = 7 months of luck
33-37 people = 1 year of luck

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Hey IDIOT

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right stinking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an idiot!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'idiot' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an idiot!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'idiot' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an idiot!" and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black Lexus cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Lexus idiot, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black Lexus for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It's a two-story brick home, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen." I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an idiot!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to cal l. Then I came up with an idea. I called idiot #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He screamed, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Idiot, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, a two-story brick home, I have a black Lexus parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared" and hung up. Then I called idiot #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, idiot." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your butt." I answered, "Well, idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

[Fwd: Fw: Never Argue With a Woman]

 

"Never Argue With A Woman" One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.���� What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to females who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent. Life isn't about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain. ________________________________ <?

FW: A letter we all wish we'd written

 

....an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guess ing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always....

Here's to Booze

 

To paraphrase Ben Franklin, 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.' In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would  have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service

The hired hand

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was  determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again,you're fired!'